I gave notice to Lucia’s daycare today that I was dropping- I wouldn’t be bringing her there again. I started to cry a bit when I told Lucia. She was so excited, and I was so hurt over that one decision. I started crying a bit when I told the administrator and her teachers. I picked up her things from her cubbyhole and I cried a bit as I handed her teacher the empty bin. I got into my car and I knew I wasn’t done crying, but I needed to drive home.
So now I’m giving myself permission to cry and talk myself through why I feel this breakdown. I’m not an organized person when it comes to myself and especially not money. Money is emotional to me. I know I frustrate those around me with my poor choices. I have had enough experiences to scare some people, but not me. I’m just so stubborn. Along the way I have made some smart choices and I give myself credit for those. I find myself again in a position of setting financial goals and failing…miserably.
Certain things are mostly out of my control- such as not being able to get a new job. This frustrates me because it means I have to give up more of my stubbornness than I want to right now. I want to hold onto that stubborn/prideful/choice and prove everyone wrong who ever judged me and judged me as a failure.
Another thing out of my control is my goal to be able to live on my own and support Lucia and myself. I set a goal to be out of my parent’s house and be in an apartment. Then I set a goal to be in a house. The road to a house was a long journey and it’s longer from where I sit crying and wanting to beat myself up until I beat every stubborn, stupid part of my soul out forever.
I ask myself why Lucia is happy with this change. She wants to spend more time with me. Why does she want to be with me? I am not a very good mom. Why does she love me? Because she’s mine and I’m hers.
Instead of being the victim and the sob story and the family screw-up I am creating something better. I don’t have a job right now. Okay. Thankfully I have family. I can’t afford to send Lucia to a pre-school right now. Okay. I do have resources to learn how to teach her and prepare her for kindergarten. I’m not great at spending as much quality time with her as I am able. Okay. I put down the computer and we do something together.
This mish-mash of ideas and feelings and failures and successes is me. I’m not letting down anyone as much as I am myself. I am strong, creative, beautiful, loving, fun, and supportive. I will improve myself by creating the self I am proud to be.
You are strong, creative, beautiful and supportive. Good luck and know that we all love you.
You are amazing, Maiken. I am still so amazed at single moms, regardless of the circumstances. Give yourself some credit. You are raising a beautiful child, and that definitely says something of your character.
You are an awesome person and a great mom. We all make choices that maybe aren't the smartest but most of the time we learn from them. You've seen my financial messes. Bought a house..had to sell a house...renting a house for the same amount as the house payment on the house I had to sell. Hell if I lose my job today within a month or two I would need to move in with the folks.
Plently of people think your dang awesome. You should too. And you can always call me whenever you don't and I'll tell you that you are.