It's beyond time to get back to doing what I like and what I do well. I've been holding back from moving forward in fear that I couldn't find one job I wanted to do for the rest of my life. So the things I'm good at won't win me any awards, no throngs of scholars will show up at my funeral, no one will be clambering to be me. I'm still a great person. I have felt twinges of failure when I look at my grandmother's life. The thing is I like me, and the lack of degrees and prestige don't inhibit me from enjoying life. So, I'm taking the grains of truth and letting the rest of the baggage I took on fall to the ground.

In this time of not working I've been wracking my brain to think of that one job that would fulfill me even on the days when it was hard and not just the fun days. Except I already have that job. I'm a mom. I remember many years ago thinking I didn't want to stay home. I liked work. I assumed I'd like a break during the day. Now granted there were times once I became a mom that I counted myself as blessed to have great people watching my daughter while I worked. What I didn't plan on was the deep sense of missed time. Working full-time and then only having three hours a day during the week to be with Lucia was frustrating.

Recently I surprised myself when I realized really wanted to be a mom that stayed home. I can't though being a single parent. Saying I can't stay home isn't totally true. I could choose to live with my parents and not work. However, it would be a burden on them and it would have other consequences as well.

I know I have a choice and I'm choosing to go back to work, take some classes, and be a better mom. The quality of time I spend as a mom is important. Tonight Lucia asked me to keep tickling and playing with her. It was fifteen minutes of fun I think she'll hold as a happy memory of us.