I have added a new feature to my blog entitled, "Excerpts from Lucia." I am not great at writing down the funny things she says in order to save them. Now I can add them here and back them up for present and future amusement.

I said goodbye today. I said goodbye and I cried. I cried and she rejoiced.

I gave notice to Lucia’s daycare today that I was dropping- I wouldn’t be bringing her there again. I started to cry a bit when I told Lucia. She was so excited, and I was so hurt over that one decision. I started crying a bit when I told the administrator and her teachers. I picked up her things from her cubbyhole and I cried a bit as I handed her teacher the empty bin. I got into my car and I knew I wasn’t done crying, but I needed to drive home.

So now I’m giving myself permission to cry and talk myself through why I feel this breakdown. I’m not an organized person when it comes to myself and especially not money. Money is emotional to me. I know I frustrate those around me with my poor choices. I have had enough experiences to scare some people, but not me. I’m just so stubborn. Along the way I have made some smart choices and I give myself credit for those. I find myself again in a position of setting financial goals and failing…miserably.

Certain things are mostly out of my control- such as not being able to get a new job. This frustrates me because it means I have to give up more of my stubbornness than I want to right now. I want to hold onto that stubborn/prideful/choice and prove everyone wrong who ever judged me and judged me as a failure.

Another thing out of my control is my goal to be able to live on my own and support Lucia and myself. I set a goal to be out of my parent’s house and be in an apartment. Then I set a goal to be in a house. The road to a house was a long journey and it’s longer from where I sit crying and wanting to beat myself up until I beat every stubborn, stupid part of my soul out forever.

I ask myself why Lucia is happy with this change. She wants to spend more time with me. Why does she want to be with me? I am not a very good mom. Why does she love me? Because she’s mine and I’m hers.

Instead of being the victim and the sob story and the family screw-up I am creating something better. I don’t have a job right now. Okay. Thankfully I have family. I can’t afford to send Lucia to a pre-school right now. Okay. I do have resources to learn how to teach her and prepare her for kindergarten. I’m not great at spending as much quality time with her as I am able. Okay. I put down the computer and we do something together.

This mish-mash of ideas and feelings and failures and successes is me. I’m not letting down anyone as much as I am myself. I am strong, creative, beautiful, loving, fun, and supportive. I will improve myself by creating the self I am proud to be.